The message, below, crossed my desk at BAWARO towers today.
Apparently it is a copy of an email which was sent to the Daily Record late last week from an England football fan, pushed to the limits of his patience by the jeering of Scots and the Anyone But England Campaign.
Admittedly it’s pretty funny. But everything about this message (and the gloating over expectation of the English media) sums up why so many Scots simply can’t support England.
Personally I started out cheering them on today. I’ve nothing against the English players and enjoy watching them week in and week out in the Premiership – and it was easy to favour them over the Germans.
However, there was one good reason I was booing them at the end. They were scheissen.
So pity this poor England fan. I bet he feels a proper tosser after watching his lard-arsed team (yes, they did look as if they’d been on a Scottish diet) crash out to a record World Cup whupping.
Word of advice, mate: next time wait until your team give you something (anything!) to cheer about before sending off your next missive to the Scottish people.
Here’s the email in full – would love to hear from anyone who knows if it’s kosher or not.
Dear People of Scotland,
As you may or may not know there is a world cup on presently. This footballing spectacle is being shown around the world to billions of people and we in England are delighted to be playing there. It has not escaped us that you are somewhat bitter about this. We understand that you’d like to be there and the fact that you are not means that many of you take it out on your wives and each other. Although we hear that many Glasgow Rangers fans are following us due to their royal and unionist connections. We’d prefer it if you didn’t follow us either as your destruction of Manchester was uncalled for and despite what you may think of us English and our internal divisions, we don’t take kindly to the trashing of our cities (see WW2).
You have developed a slightly witty slogan on t-shirts called “ABE” meaning Anyone (Anybody) but England. It was catchy and even punchy when we saw it on t-shirts and it has done quite well in Wales, the Irish Republic and even Northern Ireland where like Glasgow Rangers many of them have voiced a little support for us or perhaps just not voiced their outright hatred for crimes of old when one of my ancestors clubbed one of your ancestors in 1436 and for being ignored by the BBC/ITV and tabloids in general. Yes, they are all annoying and yes they mention 1966 and England even when England aren’t playing but if you would just go and win something we wouldn’t have England, England Expects or 1966 being mentioned at every turn. In all honesty we in England turn the volume down when ITV commentary is on. Name someone who doesn’t? As for our world cup songs that make you switch off your radios, you lot haven’t had a decent one since John Gordon Sinclair in 1982. We would like to apologise for Ant and Dec in 2002. That was uncalled for.
Here comes the strange part. Despite what you all say and how much you all bore the world with your moaning, whining, bigotry and hatred, despite all the aggressive body language, racist hatred boiling over every 4 years, anti-English statements in the press/radio/tv and despite the Scottish press trying oh so hard to show diplomacy, you are actually supporting us without knowing it.
The highest percentage of the UK population subscribing to Sky, Virgin et al is from Scotland. Your big fat deep fried arses, that refuse to take exercise, subscribe to Sky Sports and therefore support England. Wayne Rooney, Ashley Cole, David Beckham, Peter Crouch, Frank Lampard, John Terry, Steven Gerrard, James Milner, Gareth Barry, Ledley King, Jamie Carragher, Dropper Green, David James, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Joe Hart, Joe Cole, Emile Heskey, Jermaine Defoe, Aaron Lennon, Rio Ferdinand, all the rest of them and Fabio Capello wish to thank you for your massive contributions and support when you kindly donate your dole money to Sky for all their many channels. A lovely big fat percentage goes straight into their pockets so they can treat their fabulous, sexy wives to jewellery, great big mansions, Aston Martins and lavish holidays while you sit on your lardy backsides eating deep fried dinners, deep fried desserts and deep fried ice cream. “But wait!” I hear you cry, doesn’t Darren Fletcher make a packet from Sky too? He does I am afraid and we’re trying to put a stop to that. Even Sir Alex will be gone soon. Also I hear you cry that Sky have paid for the odd Old Firm game. Again correct, but when you see Kris Boyd, Steven McManus and Kenny Miller taking airshots on a regular basis you know you’d rather splash your lardy cash on Rooney, Terry and Gerrard than the deep fried brigade. Nothing pleases us more than to walk down a Glaswegian street and see an endless line of satellite dishes knowing they’ll build our next generation of English and Premiership footballers. And you know that even reading this you’ll still subscribe to Sky next season because you love England really and exercise is a far worse alternative. Although Scotland may one day win something, I suspect that as your kids get fatter you will soon have the fattest international team in the world which may very well get an award for that.
Also, thank you to all Ireland and Wales for doing likewise, although in the Republic of Ireland your support needs looked at as you pay no license fee for UK TV. Well I say UK TV but we all know it’s English really. And you all speak English so thanks for learning OUR language and letting all yours die. It must be a truly gut wrenching feeling that your license fee also goes to big BBC1 matches involving England or English clubs although I did see a Scotland v Norway match on BBC2 that you lost 4-0 last year so maybe the SFA made a couple of grand to squander on bureaucracy between the 3 organisations that run Scottish football or maybe they made SFA boom boom!
So once again, thank you Scotland and all the Celts for taking our guys to the World Cup this year and every year since 1998 which is incidentally last time you qualified and also around the time you tried to emulate the Premierleague by forming your own mickey mouse premiership. Look where that got you – coincidence? I truly thought Britain was dead but your massive subscription fees just keep the bulldog spirit alive. We’re hoping that thanks to you we soon won’t have to mention 1966 anymore and that in years to come talk of 2010 will be like a cheese grater on your bell end.
We thank you,
P.S. Isn’t it refreshing to have an English PM for the first time in 13 years?
P.P.S. And one more thing – is it not wonderful to hear vuvuzelas at all the games? Their drone is so much nicer than the bagpipes.
P.P.P.S. Shall we just replace the Union Flag with the cross of St George?
P.P.P.P.S. To the Edinburgh cabbie who refused me entry for being English on the day we drew with USA, I was going to Newcastle.