I have been raving about the brilliance of The Scheme, BBC Scotland’s warts and all look at life in one of the country’s run down housing estates.
It is by turns hopeless, horrible and hilarious.
In the first two episodes one of the stars of the show has been Marvin, the gaunt-faced recovering junkie and his hapless attempts to go straight (while ‘innocently’ dealing diazepam and navigating the needs of his smacked out, jailbait girlfriend).
But the undeniable scene stealer is his pet dog, which never stops wagging its tail and is relentlessly happy-looking in the face of adversity and all the worst excesses thrown at it.
So much so that the cross bull terrier even melted the hearts of the veterinary staff at the rescue centre where is ended up with a damaged leg.
The daft mutt is called Bullet – and is already taking on legend status.
So much so that it has now inspired this poem, which was sent to me by my sister. Dunno who actually wrote it – but props, because it is very funny and perfectly sums up The Scheme, Marvin, his ‘burd’ and their dug.
Remember, you read it here first – and if anyone knows the name of the author then feel free to share.
Ma name is big Marvin,
A stay in Onthank
Ma dog is a legend
Ma burd is a skank
Am big, tall and skinny
Ma eyes have now sank
A swagger aboot
Like am built like a tank
A like tae get high on prescription drugs
When ave nae food, i’ll just eat the dug’s
A know its no big, and a know its no clever
A only drink turps tae clean oot ma liver
Am happy as Larry
Am high as a kite
Ma troosers are stinking
O’ p**s, sweat and sh**e
Ma life on the drugs has taken its toll
But that isnae stopping me fae getting ma hole
We shag on the bed, we shag on the rug,
A dae plenty o’ shaggin wi’…
Bullet the dug!