How to keep a marketing exec occupied: Ask how to spell “flavour”

During a phone call earlier this week I had to adminster many a soothing noise (you know, supportive oohs, aahs and much tongue clicking) to a fellow hack who has turned to the dark side.

The individual in question shall remain nameless. Suffice to see the person is a reporter of high repute; a seasoned campaigner and respected writer; experienced on the road, with sharp elbows and good door-knocking skills; but just as comfortable writing features and consumer/celeby type stuff; they’ve also served time as a sub and worked on newsdesks; and they are easily capable of turning their hands to traditional media or in the newer, digital platforms.

What’s more the person in question also has a decent stint as a PR person on their CV. You get the picture. This is a capabable, proven and popular media all rounder. Someone who is not often put out, caught by surprise or left stuck for words.

However, recently the person in question was thrust into the company of a small band of “marketing” types. Not in itself a problem, as our trooper ploughed on through the tasks assigned their way. As our nameless chum started to get a picture of the murky goings-on in marketing land, their eyebrows slowly began to rise.

First of all, they were handed the file on a major blue chip client and told: “You’d better get out to this event this morning - we need 10,000 hits for this client! Oh - by the way - the major national newspaper originally signed up as media partner has pulled out at the last minute. So you won’t be able to get any coverage there.”

“Er, right. So what do you mean by ‘10,000 hits’ exactly? What are the messages? What are the target audiences? Which media should we be aiming for? What actually counts as a hit? Are we talking about audience reached or the value of coverage generated?”

In other words, our contact asked all the reasonable (indeed basic) questions for any media pro being suddenly dropped into a situation which had all the makings of a marketing goat-f*ck.

But worse was to come: “Just hits,” was the less-than-helpful reply. “We don’t care how you justify them. The client give us a a number and we have to hit it somehow. That’s all.”

Ahhhh! So that’s how marketing works! A precise and respectable discipline with near scientific means of measuring the success of clearly defined targets. Or not, as the case may be.

But while our chum was quickly seeing the shine come off the marketing world, worse was to follow. For 30 minuters our contact had to bite their tongue while two rather vacuous colleagues discussed the spelling of “flavour” and debated - in some depth - whether it has a ‘U’ in it or not.

Near their wits’ end, our source was wondering what they’d let themselves in for: “Thirty effing minutes. Couldn’t they just have done what any self-respecting hack would have done after 30 seconds and run it through Google?”

My own preference is for the well-thumbed copy of the Oxford English Dictionary. Where I quickly and easily found the defintions for “tolerance”, “fortitude” and “serenity”.

All qualities our friend is going to need in spades to survive any lenght of time with the marketing muppets (definitiely with a “u”) without the aid of a rifle.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub - and they’re ALL Tony Cascarino

A nice wee PR package came together this week following an interview with former Celtic, Chelsea and Marseilles football star, Tony Cascarino,who is now the sponsored professional poker player with our client, Littlewoodspoker.com.

The big man is a great interviewee and let slip during our chat that he’d learned in the last few years that his dad was born in Scotland.

Now, this struck me as particulalry ironic, because Tony collected a hatful of Republic of Ireland caps and really made his mark when the Irish team lived the dream at both the 1990 and 1994 world cups. He was able to do that because his beloved mum, Teresa O’Malley, had an Oirish father. 

His grandpa on the other side of the family was Italian and everybody assumed his dad Dominic was English, but both the England and Italian squads of the time were brimful of talent, so his chances of international calls up with either of those nations were slim, to say the least. All in all his Irish heritage worked out just dandy - big Casc loved playing for Ireland and the Irish supporters loved him right back. Fans and players alike enjoyed a fantastic, fairytale experience along the way.

Except that in 1996 Tony’s mum revealed that she’d actually been adopted, so there was no blood tie with his Irish grandfather at all. In his autobiography, he wrote about the profound effect of the bombshell news and how it left him feeling like a fraud and a fake and took the shine of his time with the Ireland national team. Of course, he was being hard on himself and everyone in Ireland was totally laid back about the whole thing. Adoption made him as Irish as the Liffey and they loved him just the same.

As Cascarino filled me in on all this (in an accent so English, at times he sounded like Brucie Forsyth!) I had to ask why he’d never chosen to play the Scottish card instead.

The answer was simple. He’d never had a particularly close relationship with his dad and the older man had also been extremely cagey about the subject. After claiming he’d been born in Edinburgh, he’d refused to elaborate any further, except to say he’d stayed in the Scottish capital until he was five and then moved to London. In the absence of any concrete evidence about this situation, Tony had chosen simply to ignore it.

Without letting on I arranged for a birth certificate search just to quietly see if it was possible to confirm or deny his father’s story. The records system and Register House in Edinburgh is superb and it literlly took limits to come up trumps with Dominic Cascarino’s birth certificate from 1939. For a small sum we were even able to get a copy.

When I broke this news to Tony, he was delighted. Something that had always been a bit hazy and uncertain was suddenly laid before him in black and white as irrefutable fact. And so we had the story of what might have been - one of the biggest charcacters in the game could have qualified for Scotland and avoided all the angst that eventually overshadowed his time with the Ireland football team.

Whatever nationality the big fella chooses, he’s a gentleman in any language - so I wish him all the best as he’s back in Dublin this week to play in the 2008 Irish Open.

 I’m jsut not sure whether to wish him Good luck!  Buona fortuna! Go n-éirí an t-ádh leat! - or Gaun yersel big man!

New Year tragedy in the snow is a sad reminder of just how fragile each life is

As a journalist I reported on enough tragedy to know just how  suddenly and unexpectly it can strike.

Sitting in the front room of some recently bereaved person talking about the accident, crime or illness that robbed them of a son, daughter, brother or sister is a sobering reminder of just how fragile a human life is.

It is also a humbling first hand encounter with pure, raw grief that most of us - with luck - should only encounteer a handful of times in our lives.

Now that I spend my working days in the less harsh environment of PR, there are still occasional brushes with tragedy - and they are just as bruising. Today was one such day.

One of my longest-standing clients - and one of my favourites - is Alistir Tait the Edinburgh jeweller. Normally vibrant and irrepressible, it was obvious when he phoned me today that something was very, very wrong.

Falteringly he explained that his dear, close friend Rachel Sherratt had died at the weekend during a walk in Perthshire, a bewildering loss of a  popular, fit and healthy woman in her prime - and deeply felt by those, like Alistir,  who were closest to her.

What started out as a simple walk in the woods to photograph winter snow scenes ended with mountain rescue teams and helicopters with thermal imaging cameras mounting a desperate search for Rachel after a simple wrong turn on the forest path left her lost. She died in the freezing conditions before rescuers could find her.

My deepest sympathies go out to Rachel’s family and friends - and of course to Alistir. At the moment he is understandably consumed by grief. However, I hope will eventually come to cherish the memories of the fantastic Christmas and New Year spent with Rachel and other friends in a part of the world they loved so dearly.

Space diamond is a 24 carat cracker - but is it perfect?

Amazing the bizarre stuff you find when surfing the web. Loved this story about the truly ginormous diamond floating about in space.

The boffins who discovered it have rather predictably named it Lucy - after the Lennon-penned Beatles classic, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds (amazing that debate still rages on whether or not the song was an ode to the trippy drug LSD or not).

All of which put me in mind of my favourite jeweller, Alistir Tait. OK, so Alistir’s a client, but that’s not the reason I like him so much.

Rather, the guy discovered a love of geology as a 12-year-old boy and quickly realised the that the most important rocks out there were of the precious variety. In the 38 years or so since then he has poured himself into the science, art, history - and sheer unadulterated passion - of the jewellery trade. He’s an accomplished gemmologist, goldsmith and jewellery historian.

Too few people realise that Scotland has rare reserves of gold, silver, freshwater pearls, sapphires, garnets - as well as other semi-precious resources including agates, rare marble, jasper. Alistir is one of the few jewellers who goes out into mountains, fields, rivers, beaches and caves to find his own precious and semi-preciouse stones. Show me another High Street jeweller who’ll do that.

Nor is Alistir’s shop in Rose Street, Edinburgh like any of the identikit, chrome-and-glass and achinlgy trendy jewellery shops (Lime Blue anyone?). Which means you won’t be served by some plooky girl who is dreaming of nothing more than a move to the Ladies department at Harvey Nicks.

If you should be lucky enough to buy a piece from Alistir’s shop, it won’t be some predictably trendy bauble mass produced in China. Rather, you’ll get something with an interesting history - and Alistir or one of his staff will have taken the time to learn about it and share it with you. 

It’s that passion, knowledge and personal touch - undimmed after 25 years of trading in Edinburgh - that make Alistir my favourite jeweller.

Among the most interesting pieces I’ve seen in his shops were a set of cufflinks called the four vices (better than any I’ve been able to find on the net, inlcuding those in the link). The enamelled Edwardian (I think) pieces were adorned with tiny, beautifully hand painted images depicting dancing girls, cards, horse racing and drinking - decades before the Loaded generation thought they were the first to openly and publicly lay claim to such past times. If I’d had a couple of hundred quid spare, I’d have bought them on the spot.

Even when it comes to that timeless jewellery staple - diamonds - Alistir is a cut above the norm. As well as the usual High Street quality diamonds, he is probably unique in Scotland in keeping a stock of D-Flawless diamonds which customers can choose to have incorporated into jewellery designed exclusively for them.

Just to explain, diamonds are graded according to the four Cs - cut, clarity, carat, colour. The highest quality diamonds are D-coloured and flawless in clarity (which means they have none of the tiny internal flaws, known to the professionals as inclusions).

If I’d read this in a website, newspaper or a book I’d have forgotten it. But having it explained by Alistir brought the subject alive. As a true expert and aficionado he also shared with me the concept of perfect diamonds - stones so so stunningly beautiful and relatively rare that even lifelong gemmologist like him still get a genuine thrill whenever they are lucky to enough to get hold of one.

As well as being D-Coloured and flawless in Clarity, expert gemmologists agree the other ingredients in the perfect diamond are the optimum single Carat weight and the breathtaking round brilliant Cut. Indeed in hushed tones, Alistir was even able to produce such an exquisite stone: a single carat, round brilliant cut, D-coloured, flawless clarity - set in a simple platinum band.

It was mesmerisingly beautiful in its unadorned simplicity. Hence the £16,000 price tag. All of which leaves me  unsurprised that some enterprising souls have already valued the ten billion trillion trillion carat diamond floating in space.

Apparently it is worth five million trillion trillion pounds. Is there anybody out there who can explain how many zeroes that involves?   

It’s not all luxury at jeweller Alistir’s country bolthole

Jeweller Alistir Tait puts in a hard shift at his Edinburgh boutique - and has done for 25 years, which is why it is such a success.

One of the rewards he has treated himself to is a country retreat. His lodge is in deepest, rural Perthshire and has been a work in progress for the five years I’ve known him.

In that time it’s been gutted, redecorated and even had its turf roof totally replaced, much to the joy of the local deer population who can often be found nibbling on it. The lodge also has a substantial outdoor jacuzzi which is a huge hit during summer barbecues

However, Alistir tells me that his last visit to the lodge wasn’t the rural, relaxing idyll I might have expected.

With winter fast approaching he spent his weekend touching up the exterior woodwork with Sadolin. And in a log cabin there is a lot of woodwork. Not only is it backbreaking, smelly, messy work it also had an additional downside.

Alistir tells me: “It was finger-numbing work because there were icicles hanging from the roof. I couldn’t believe how cold it was, but the work needed done before the winter really sets in.”

Now I don’t feel half as bad about spending my weekends in an unglamorous bungalow.

Why PR works: Number 1

Today I got the good news that we at Holyrood PR are to be invited back to give a second pitch to a potential client.

Like all the best leads, it came through word of mouth. It’s not an earth-shatteringly big or glamorous client - but we can see plenty of reasons why we’d like to work with them.

Now the only hurdle we have to get over is that one of the directors - who we’ve not yet met - doesn’t really “believe” in PR.

I don’t know why I should be so surprised. We fully understand some businesses have tried PR and its not for them. The particular flavour of PR we specialise in is media relations and I know there are some businesses who see no advatage to be gained from positive media coverage. I can disagree with them until I’m blue in the face, but at least they will give rational arguments for what they say.

But I’m stumped by the people who say they don’t believe in PR. What? We’re like the tooth fairy or Father Christmas? Or maybe a grown up version: some fantastical concept that stretches credulity, like Roswell, Area 51 or the moon landings?

I find this kind of thing draining and demoralising in the same way as I did when we had a client who, for his paltry two grand, got around 30 separate cuttings in all his target media and multiple positive key messages - then refused to pay up because it was the “wrong kind of coverage”.

Even worse is the fact that, as PR professionals, we are constantly reminded of the importance of measurement, while also being told that there is no effective (certainly no cost effective) way to actually go about that measuring process.

To add insult to injury, our own professional body, the CIPR, has told us that the only relatively simply measurement tool, the long tried and trusted AVE (advertising value equivalent) is now totally discredited. That is despite my own experience that most small clients (those paying less than £2000 a month) actually like AVE.

With these three negatives ringing in my ears I am now going to apply a bit of positive spin. I’m going to start a series of posts to bring joy and happiness into the world of smaler PR agencies. From now on, every time we get a proven bit of PR success I’m going to post it here. I am going to show, beyond any reasonable doubt, that PR does work. So there.

To start the series, I’d like to report a small success for Orchard & Shipman. The company offers a private sector solution to the council housing shortage, particularly to those famillies with the most acute and pressing need. They do this by persuading private landlords to offer their properties through the scheme. It has been a welcome lifeline to hundreds of families who, for a multitude of reasons, find themselves without a secure home.

Orchard and Shipman negotiated a favourble buy-to-let mortgage deal through the Dunfermline Building Society for those landlords prepared to back the scheme. We helped generate coverage on that, which in itself was pleasing, though measuring how many take up the deal as a direct result is more difficult to do.

However, one categoric result of the coverage - and a big pat on the back for us - was this: another major financial institution, having seen the media publicity generated, has now approached Orchard & Shipman and asked if they too can offer a favourable mortgage terms to landlords getting involved.

Whether anything comes of that approach is neither here nor there - but it shows without doubt, the power of PR. I thank you.

Helen Joins the CorpComms 100 Club

Congratulations to Helen Lennox of Scottish Water who has officially arrived in the big time.

She’s just been named in the inaugural list of the UK’s leading 100 movers and shakers in “in-house communications”.

That’s quite a mouthful - especially to dinosaurs like me who, in the past, would simply have referred to these departments within big organisations as, the press office.

Times have changed though. These days the top corporate comms operators are dealing with far more than just media relations (to give it the modern title). They’re also handling corporate affairs, internal communications, investor relations and the current cause celebre, corporate social responsibility.

The people putting together the list are from CorpComms magazine, so they can be relied on to know their stuff. They’ve described Helen as “a first class communicator who could compete on a global stage” and  is “viewed as having an unrivalled network of contacts in the Scottish media”. High praise indeed.

I can vouch for Helen’s credentials - since Holyrood Partnership has been helping out in the Scottish Water office for five years and we’ve seen her in action. Working with Helen is like being caught up in a whirlwind. She has unbelievable energy and her contacts book really is a Who’s Who of Scottish journalism.

Part of that is because Helen spent a long time at the sharp end working in the Scottish media. She’s never let me forget the first time I met her. She was a big noise at The Herald while I was humble young hack at the Daily Record. That didn’t stop me in a drunken moment of bravado from suggesting that she was in some way linked with my editor (I might even have used the term shagging).

Whoops. Still it is probably Helen’s greatest asset that she’s got such a good sense of humour. She’s also got a bank of funny and outrageous anecdotes and goes out of her way to make me blush virtually every time I see her. Revenge for those outrageous comments when I was too young to know any better.

For my money, Helen’s other outstanding quality is loyalty. After five years working at Scottish Water (24-hour on call, emergency incidents, cover at short notice etc) we still didn’t have a contract to speak of. Helen has recently sorted that out for us.

So as well as offering congratulations for her inclusion in the prestigious 100 Club, I’d also like to offer her hearfelt thanks. Next time she’s out the Champagne will be on us.

FFDR’s Master of Disaster Ronnie Klos Needs Crisis Assistance

If your business is disaster recovery, then who do your turn to when it’s YOU at the centre of a crisis?

I took a call this week from the incomparable Ronnie Klos, boss of FFDR in Lochegelly, Fife. Ronnie has built quite an empire with his all-trades insurance business - now with more than 70 staff and almost 50 vans.

The company salvages properties devastated by fire, flood or other acts of god - which some years ago led a clever sub at the Evening News to christen him the “master of disaster” in a 72 point headline. Brilliant.

I confess to having a soft spot for Ronnie, because he was our first proper PR client when we set up Holyrood Partnership. His company has gone from strength to strength since then and is the first port of call for insurance giants like Direct Line and Halifax when their customers need their homes or business premises salvaged.