It was a rude awakening on Sunday when an article in the Mail on Sunday had be spluttering into my fried breakfast.Elle Macpherson (Ferdang! Goddess and object of a 20 year obsession of mine) has only gone and taken up with a Scottish, late thirty-something, media bloke known to his nearest and dearest as Scott Douglas.
Indeed the report, taking up page three in its entirety, boasted the picture captions I’ve dreamt of for two decades, including this belter:
TEXT APPEAL: Elle Macpherson bombarded Scott Douglas with phone messages
Closely followed by my second favourite cutline of all time:
‘JUST GOOD FRIENDS’: Scott Douglas and Elle Macpherson step out together in London last year.
I will be carefully stowing the cutting in a “special box”, kept in a locked cupboard. However, for those who didn’t see the article, alas, I must confess that sadly, it wisnae me.
Elle’s Scott Douglas boast a full head of hair and no doubt a far more substantial bank balance. His media credentials are listed as “War Photographer”, which is marginally more glamorous than “ex-jobbing hack and local PR man”. He is generally to be found in the trendiest hotspots in London and New York, rather than the Courtyard pub, just off Bonnington Road, Leith.
But most gutting of all the other Scott Douglas is only 38 – while I’m desperately clinging to 39. Elle’s only gone and taken up with my younger, better looking and more successful namesake.
Still, while I forlornly clutch my MoS cutting and dream of what might have been, I’ve been able to console myself by establishing that I have a bigger … er … google ranking than Mr Fancy-Dan-Woooh-Look-At-Me-I’m-A-War-Photographer.
Many of you may be familiar with your “Googlegangers” – the people who come up when you run a Google search on your own name. A quick search for “Scott Douglas” came up with a page one listing for Yours Truly. Slipping in at number 10, under the heading, HRP (dinnae ask – a misunderstanding withe the techie who put together the Holyrood Partnership website).
Mr Fancy-Dan-My-Burd’s'-A-Supermodel-And-The-Other-One’s-A-Turner-Prize-Winner could only make it onto the second page (a paltry number 15) where he features in some Daily Mail article about his on-off love triangle with Tracy Emin and Elle Macpherson.
Somehow I don’t think that’s going to swing a place for me in The Body’s affections, which is a shame because, Elle, you don’t know what I’m missing!